Movie Review: Noah

Are you kidding me? Seriously?  I lcan list movies I walk away from as 2 stars.  Movies I don’t walk away from, but still watch because I had to buy them to watch (and wish I had walked away from) get 1 star.  That was Noah.  Terrible graphics, terrible storyline, no original ideas that I enjoyed.

Let us make a movie with a Christian title and a Christian audience to only throw aside every part of the movie to the wind in order to make a movie to reach for some sort of watchability.  In order to make up for it let us get Emma Watson to reach for an audience, and use B class specs in order to keep the costs of production low enough to make up for any loss in costs.

I almost turned off the movie half way through, but kept it on while I multi-tasked since I spent $20 on buying the movie.  In return I got an erratic Noah who had tossed aside his morals in order to kill his granddaughters.

Noah gets about three simple pages in the Bible.  A two hour movie that has three pages of discription, and the director can’t even follow the simple three pages of discription.  Three pages, and anything that goes apart from the actual descriptions only works to hurt the character of the people rather than build any sort of excitement or add any “holiwood factor.”

I’m going to throw in my bullet points (notes) and then walk away before wasting any more time on this title.

  • The nonexistent animals
  • Why would we do that, they think it makes us stronger, We don’t eat meat
    • The only reference to meat before, or directly after the flood is “don’t eat blood.”
  • The dream with the blood on the ground, and the dead people in the sea
  • Only the five of them, seriously?  They are supposed to the boat with their wives.  Half the story is based off of a change the director made.
  • Completely destroyed lands, no trees, dirty water.  The people are evil, but not to this obvious extent.  The people who attack at every turn, how do they sustain their lives.
  • Children pay no notice to the number of dead people around them.  I don’t know about you, but if any ten year old I come accross walks up to fifty dead bodies they wouldn’t search around without mentioning the bodies.  They wouldn’t be stronger about it than the adults.
  • Low production costs, value
  • “the three sons and their wives” – I don’t know or care where I got this quote from.
  • Children were not that young, one of them was not a baby when they were supposed to leave during the flood.  Noah was 600 years old, and his children were at least 100.  1/6 of a lifetime  of 40 years is still 10 years.
  • “fallen angels”
    • Fallen angels that care that humans betray the created or even though they were betrayed in turn.
  • His father was still alive until five years before the flood, Noah was shown as a boy when his father was killed
  • Talking to Him required the use of a drug.
  • A seed from the first garden, from Eden?  A place guarded by a flaming sword.
  • If a girl is born to you, I will cut her down.  Noah was willing to kill his grand daughter with only the speakings of himself, one weaker than that of the two dreams he required in order to build the ark?

5 thoughts on “Movie Review: Noah

  1. The problem(s) one is faced with putting together a project such as this are numerous. Not least the production of a myth believed by a great many ( ignorant) people to be historical fact. When faced with this scenario is it any wonder the logistics – which some would say would include miracles – are impossible to portray without offending someone.
    Most religious portrayals in the popular media inevitably get up someone’s nose. Wait til Hollywood decide to have a go at a Mohammed blockbuster. Then the midden will truly hit the windmill.

    I haven’t seen the film, btw, but it would be interesting to know whether the director was a staunch Christian or Jew.
    One might be able to judge his motivation at least, behind the desire to make the movie?
    If he is agnostic/atheist then why would he necessarily feel obliged to convey a genuine biblical representation?
    Mind you, come to think of it, as it IS a work of fiction the director can portray it in any way he feels, surely?

    I don’t really know what the average believer would be expecting?


  2. That’s fair, and I wouldn’t disagree. I do believe the director is Athiest, and there all kinds of movies created in all different ways concerning the Greek gods. And those are changed based on the lines as well. Which is understandable, I was expecting something similar to Thor, or Captain America.

    After watching the clips, and previews I was expecting something similar to the first 300. (Haven’t seen the second), and the background use of the green screen was pretal brutal. I was just expecting more, and should have read the reviews before purchasing it. Which I didn’t do since it was an impulse buy.


    • I think Hollywood should do a movie of Moses and the Midianites. Or Joshua Invades Canaan.
      If done from the perspective that the events truly are historical fact – and making sure barf bags are supplied free – we might see an amazing phenomena – hundreds of Instant Atheists.
      A series of such ‘factual’ films and before long we could well be on the way to kicking religion into touch!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. When the Greek Gods were around people still believed even though they did terrible things for little to no reason. Also, there is a reason why people say “God fearing,” as though people are bad because they don’t fear god enough to be good.

    I do believe those films would work to make God appear as less loving, and more corrupted rather than not being believable. A switch that fast as to people watching the film would start to vomit (per supplied barf bags) the movie itself would be considered an uproar, and the movie would be blamed not the Christian God.

    My sister dropped out of school to study Christianity, but still hasn’t even read the bible. I’m going to try to work on people knowing who they love, and who God is as a person, but I don’t know how that will work when it comes to creating Athiests.


    • I would imagine the first job on the agenda would be to identify who this god truly is.
      If you go with Yahweh, remember he once had a wife ( consort)
      Then, of course, there is the Trinity.
      Phew! To be able to approach this with any degree of honesty one must be really clued up on your history. Nicea, Constantine, Eusebius, Arius, the whole shebang.

      How one can study Christianity and not read the bible is mind blowing and suggests someone is willing to give up their right to exercise critical thought and merely swallow the dogma pushed by a pastor/priest or minister. Who would do that?
      I’m a hard core atheist and I’ve read it twice, and still study it whenever time allows.

      And to drop out if school as well? Sounds like someone has been overly influenced/pushed into that decision for one reason or another. Sad.


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