For a dead person who has a fake personality, and can’t fit into situations it is not hard to also contains fault where one believes they don’t deserve to move up in life.
After much long self-study I have convinced myself that I do deserve what I want because if I looked onward to myself- if it wasn’t myself but exactly identical that person would deserve.
But that does not help the paranoia that I would actually be offered what I want. Something that isn’t left over scraps by other people who have moved on.
But that’s fine, as a pretend person I can pretend to not be paranoid, and plan for the worst while hoping for the best. Unfortunately when the circumstances don’t allow for a plan B it places a problem that would usually amplify paranoia.
But that’s fine. With a deep breath paranoia needs to be exercised so that it does not become the monster that causes failure.
It’s fine. How many times have I already played chicken with life? Been in a situation where everything would fall apart if a miracle didn’t happen? Just let the last few days roll by with a psychopathic destruction of unwanted emotion, and then gently allow life to open up and not destroy… Everything.