I want to imply here that the world can be seen in many ways, and that the world is the same regardless of the way it is observed. But the world can be changed based on the way it is observed. Because observations change actions.
I occassionally have a dream that not only questions why I keep a dream journal, but also questions my desire to live. It is as though there is no way that I can grow my life to comapre to the dreams that I dream.
My dream was a rather simple one. A girl that I had been secretly crushing on was over at my family house, and I chose to go to my bedroom. Not for any particular reason, but because it was my space, secure, safe. I had chosen not to ask her out or get involved because she was four years younger than me, and that kind of age difference matters when you’re only in high school. Liking her made me feel like a pedophile. And fearing that you’re a pedophile makes it easy to ignore emotions. As if I did not have enough reasons to be ignoring them in the first place.
The sad part was that she was into me as well.
The dream continued with her knocking on my door and asking if I wanted to get pizza or watch a movie. Within a matter of seconds another girl knocked on my bedroom window. Another girl that was rather extroadinarily hot and one that I had also spent a great deal of time around. In college of course, which makes it acceptable except for the fact that she was in a relationship. She had shown an interest in my interests, and weirdly I had shot her down pretty badly.
She had asked why I did not participate in track or cross country anymore. Running was a “gateway” drug to my cutting, and when I started to cut running just made me angry. Angry at how I wasn’t competitive during the years I trained for hours a day because I had asthma and taking medications would have made me weak.
I told her that I had learned how that I found running to be based on pain, and that I was not interested in chasing after pain. You can immagine how that type of reasponse could be a “well, okay conversation’s over” type of reaction if not said well enough. And I was in the period of learning how to talk to people at that point in time. Not to mention ignoring emotion due to not wanting to form bonds. Everyone was going to go their seperate ways ater college after all?. Socially I grow rather slow.
She entered into my room and specifically asked if I wanted to fuck.
A feeling of sickness started to reach into my stomach, and when placed in a situation where I have to make a choice I generally just let time slip and choose neither. Way to lose out right? but choosing either would demean the other? I figure I could make a choice if I had to. Although the choice would have been very flip of the coin.
But then they agreed I could have them both. That they would not mind something casual until I was able to decide between them. That they wanted to see if it would work out too, to test the waters before committing. That having to make a choice between the two might be more serious than they’d like.
Which is a problem? that I’ve had. That I take everything too seriously, and generally don’t accept dates from anyone else after I’ve been on the first with something. That I give them too much credit and seriousness. Something about wanting it to be more relaxed.
Something of this sort can be seen two ways. Either you can see the dream as something that can’t compare to real life, or you can see it as having improved, and that you are one step closer to the life you want to live.
Not that I want to be with two girls at the same time. In this situation I’d never accept that – as if I was saying that they’re not good enough to be the only one that is with me.