Sex vs. Relationship

I’m unsure that I could make monogamy work because I’m curious about the things I crave.

But I also know that I crave having someone specific in my life.

I can convince myself to accept what is right, but everything is always different than expected… I don’t think I have much more to say quite yet. I just want her next to me, and don’t feel like it’s fair to ask her when I am not offering more.

I’ll try to tell her, talk to her and let her choose, the next time I see her, but I’m good at procrastinating aren’t I.

I really don’t handle being alone so I. I’ll need to think about why I don’t go out then, or let people in.

Advertisements

How I Got Over My Ex

With all my thoughts focused on an ex I broke with about a year ago now, I should think a little about my more recent experience. The reason why the last six months of my life disappeared.

Let me begin by saying that I didn’t “try.” I gave it a chance, but in all honesty I didn’t make an effort to keep the relationship alive. I say that in a way that I was almost excited that it ended, not that I did anything wrong.

She was very… interesting… with so much promise. So much potential. She is a involved girl who jumped into situations, was the spotlight. We were going to get experience building cars and selling them. What excited me the most was the potential, the planning, the stories. She would never get angry and everything was perfect. Until it wasn’t. Three time drug felon, and I let myself believe that she wasnt addicted to it. That it was as easy me trying not to drink. I’m sure I knew, but I was tired, and wanted to trust her.

I feel used, but at the end of the day I don’t realistically mind unless it gets worse than it is… I was blind to how corrupt the world can be. She was an addict to the point of thinking her drug was life, all while I thought she had a relapse… that was one of the sad parts when she tried to tell me I knew what I was getting in- What happened is always worse than how I try to explain it. I’ve talked about it for hours and every new twist is … surreal.

Meth in Oregon is getting decriminilized. That means being high isnt illegal, and getting caught with it on you is a misdemeanor. Decriminalization means it isnt a priority for the cops. The jails are full and her FTA (failure to appear in court) was not enforced, she is not reporting to her mandatory treatments and not reporting to her PO.

But that’s not the point, I liked the freedom. I can do commitment, but I don’t think I can handle monagomy because what I’m afraid of most is deceit and lies from someone I trust and if I’m honest its not because they’re hurting me but because I’m jealous of what they get to do. Jealous of what they’re doing.

If you noticed the change of direction, yes I did that. I honestly dont personally feel like the drugs were a factor in not staying with her. It was all of the guys… hanging around a girl… who doesnt pay for her drugs… Plus the lack of any desire to quit? We basically got together in order for me to save her, and build something with her (notice a bad theme yet of trying to save someone in order to gain manipulative control over them because if you save someone they owe you). Talk about inferiority issues to only feel safe with someone if they’re less than you so that you’re not afraid to lose them. So that they can’t hurt you.

I should save those I date the heartbreak and not try to offer monagomy. Especially now that I’m finding peace and wanting my own space. So I guess my goal is to now get myself a place of my own… again (moved out of MY OWN HOUSE THAT I OWN to be safe away from her- it was that bad). And once I have this place my only real goal is to not offer to let someone live with my out of guilt or “to help them.” It would be nice if it was as simple as helping another human being get their life together, but it only worked out one time out of five times. The other four times I was burned. So badly burned. And the funny part is the actual drug dealer was the only one who just left. (No, I’m not smart enough to screen out sob stories…)

Wait!Wait! I went from manipulation to an excuse to not be in a committment with someone else? That’s a bad form of enablement. I’m a romantic, it breaks my soul to not provide to … the first… as she needs someone… and it takes my conviction to not take us through the circle once again. I need someone who I can share my mind to, and I shouldn’t commit to someone who I feel doesn’t understand me. Because I know I shut down and that’s when the mind games begin.

Romance

I thought I wanted action, the book I picked up has that. A little romance, divinely has that… reading it makes me feel sad though, not because I’m lonely but because I have less of something, because I don’t have something.

I’m definitely quite vain, as if the meaning to life is possession. If I don’t possess the one I’m with then I’m not content, it’s not enough. I understand that possession isn’t the same as love, but it is surely close or similar.

Friendships in a Relationship

It’s hard to make new friends in a relationship, or at least this one, or maybe it’s always hard to make new friends.

No one is good enough to be her friend, but at the same time she gets so lonely or bored that anyone who speaks to her is good enough to be her friend.

Then they complain or need help, and she forces the help onto them, they feel obliged to take the help.  Taking help can be dis-comfortable for some people, and for example: for me to take a present from you is me doing a favor to you.  It’s hard to get me a useful present because if I need or want it I want to be able to provide it for myself.

Then they get dis-comfortable, or she pushes them aside, or flakes, or blows up on them.  Friends are dispendisble to her.  They aren’t going to stay in her life anyway, so why bother to try to keep them.

Her life has been so bad that she deserves to be able to do whatever she wants.  If they want to be her friend they have to just accept it.  They’ve had such a good life that they need to make the effort for her.

She’s already tried to be friends with them in the past, but they don’t say hi to her.  Or when they say hi to her it’s only because they want something from her.

Talk about setting the situation up for failure.

But that’s her, what about me?

For some reason, the only people I can make a connection with are people that… to say that the only people I can make a connection with are people that I would want to sleep with would be an overstatement.  My idea of a perfect body image has… changed to my girlfriend’s body (minus the double chin and belly so I guess I’m still an ass).

But yeah, the girlfriend points out that everyone I try to be friends with is strangely on the more attractive side.

I feel more comfortable around more attractive people, why?:

  • People who think of themselves as unattractive can feel a sense of entitlement where the people they see as more attractive had a better roll of the dice.  As in they are willing to screw them over when the time comes, and not feel bad about it.
  • People with a higher self image are not as depressing.  They don’t constantly back talk themselves, and have a higher desire for pursuit, for improving themselves.  For getting involved.
  • That makes people with a higher body image more fun (potentially).
  • And then, yeah they’re fun to look at.

I don’t owe you anything because I’m younger than you.  My success was not free.

I don’t owe you anything because I weigh less than you.  My weight was worth the effort to me.  My weight was not free.

I don’t owe you anything because you think I’m more attractive than you.  You could fit my image of a perfect girl just like I fit your image of a your perfect boy.

I don’t owe you anything because I am a male.  There is female privilege just like there is male privilege.

I’m sorry for what you had to go through.  I’m sorry that I can’t make you understand me.

Changing For a Relationship

I will never again believe someone if they say that they will change for me.  I will never give someone that chance.  I told her that I didn’t think she wanted to be who I wanted her to be.

Which makes me the ass.  But I don’t care if its my fault.  At the end of the day fault doesn’t matter.  Everyone loses.

“If the person didn’t want to be fat, then they wouldn’t be.  They would change for themselves, they wouldn’t need to change for you.  The effort, the pain involved in changing the lifestyle.  All of that is pain you cause them, they are not doing it for themselves.”

Seriously?  I don’t understand.  Well I guess I do.  Pain is your identity.  Discomfort is who you are.  If you lost that, you would lose your identity, you would be something different.  If you grew up disliking a type of person, then you wouldn’t want to change and be one.

It’s the stupid middle class syndrome.  Change is dis-comfortable, and discomfort contains more pain than the alternative.

I’d be the same way too if I didn’t have a different kind of pain.  I need a reason to live, and I’m looking for that reason.  I have to continue to change to try to get rid of that pain, that lack of reason.

When the other person express discomfort for an avoidable reason, it isn’t hard to understand, but it can be hard to accept.  When it’s just someone, you can brush it off, but when it’s someone you care about it hurts to watch their pain.  It is painful to see them in pain, and then they expect you to … just accept it.  But when helping them means sacrifice, and you see it as an avoidable sacrifice that didn’t have to happen?  Don’t help me then they say.

You don’t care enough about me to help me they say.

Appreciation

Sometimes it really matters that you get what you want.  But why does it matter?  I split it into a couple different reasons, and 100% in order to make me feel better about myself.

  • Because it’s time dependent.  If it goes badly, the event cannot be easily replaced.  It is centered on a physical time and place, and there’s no repeats, no second chances.
  • Because you’re tired of not getting what you want, and just want it to go your way just this once…
    • I’m torn on this one.

You can be there for someone when they don’t ask, when they don’t need it.  You can do something in a way for someone when they don’t need to it to go their way, and it won’t be appreciated because they would have been able to do it them self.  If they can’t do everything them-self, then they need you to be there for things they can’t do themselves, not for things that they can.

When you and the person you are with, especially your partner, both want the other to join in who is supposed to give in and surrender?  Who makes the sacrifice?

I invited you to be part of my life, and you needed me to sacrifice that so that you could feel as though you are important to me.

That shrug of yours.  As if you are saying, “I know that I just hurt you, but that’s your fault.  You made this happen.”

Yes, I am the keeper of your emotions, I control how you feel.

Holding Back

I had agression problems as a young child, and I’d always get mad and throw a fit.  I learned quickly to hold back and control myself.

If you’ve read other posts, you’d understand how intense I was raised to hold back sexually.  No cursing, even if everyone else did.  Not talking back,  not sharing opinions, studying instead of playin video games.  There’s a culture of holding back.

I’ve had homocidal and pedophilic desires.  I can’t control them any more than wanting to eat ice cream, but I’m not at risk of doing either.  I could hide them, but I’d rather have those who feel the same get help instead of continuing in silence until they crack, and how can I expect others to do what I cannot do myself?  Lead by example.

Quitting your job to work for youself, what’s holding you back?

Approach the girl, what do you have to lose, what’s holding you back?

… I’m just use to holding back in this culture that teaches one thing and expects another.

I’m doing exponentially better than before, but I’m still easily burned.