Why I Take “Free Food” As An Insult

I was at the dinner table with my family.  The dishes kept coming out to the table, and I held back on the amount that I ate because I did not want to eat it all.  That’d be considered rude, and make it so that there was not enough food for anyone else.

After the last dish was finished, everyone got up from the table and it was claimed, by no one in particular, that the perfect amount of food had been made.  I didn’t particularly care, but as you could read by how this story is going that I was still hungry.  I didn’t care because I have little patience for not being served enough food, and I got my keys to go out.

“Where are you going?” My Mother asked.  I told her I was going out to get a pizza.  This made her angry, and since it was a dream we started tossing containers of spices across the room.  They smashed and glass exploded everywhere. While I lived with my parents I had a history of hoarding food in my room.

I went to get my cats and leave.  My visit was over.

Two things to note:

*The same goes for a visit to my grandparents, or a “free meal” given by employers.  If I can’t eat my fill I would rather not be imposed by your food.  I feel that leaving for more food would be an insult to you, and I take it as an insult that you are wasting my time.

*I eat more than twice what the average person does in a sitting, and I eat the same in a sitting regardless of whether I eat a meal once every three days, or three times a day.  When I have been working out all bets are off.

I take my personal bias and do not make a big deal about it when food is offered.  They are trying to be nice, and I accept their efforts.  Not to mention culturally “free food” is highly accepted with gratitude, with me being the exception.  Dreams such as this are a constant reminder to be wary of visiting my parents.


401K – Retirement Investing

Invest up to 6% of your income that is matched 50% by the company.  You are honestly not going to find an investment that gives you a 50% bonus on day 1 on CD risk investments.  The only problem with this type of investing – retirement investing, is that the point of the money is that it isn’t taken out until you are 60!

I don’t want to think about when I’m 60, I don’t want to think about when I’m 30.  Life certainly isn’t as bad as before.  I don’t cut three times a day just to make it through the week, but I honestly still haven’t found something that makes life worth living.

Not to mention that the matched capital isn’t kept as mine unless I stay with this company for six years. Which I don’t see either.

Maybe I’ll take a few classes while I work this job since I live so close to a few nice colleges.!  Decision made. Prepare to watch me show off some drawings and animation!


For a dead person who has a fake personality, and can’t fit into situations it is not hard to also contains fault where one believes they don’t deserve to move up in life.

After much long self-study I have convinced myself that I do deserve what I want because if I looked onward to myself- if it wasn’t myself but exactly identical that person would deserve.

But that does not help the paranoia that I would actually be offered what I want.  Something that isn’t left over scraps by other people who have moved on.

But that’s fine, as a pretend person I can pretend to not be paranoid, and plan for the worst while hoping for the best.  Unfortunately when the circumstances don’t allow for a plan B it places a problem that would usually amplify paranoia.

But that’s fine.  With a deep breath paranoia needs to be exercised so that it does not become the monster that causes failure. 

It’s fine.  How many times have I already played chicken with life?  Been in a situation where everything would fall apart if a miracle didn’t happen?  Just let the last few days roll by with a psychopathic destruction of unwanted emotion, and then gently allow life to open up and not destroy… Everything.

Got A New Job Offer

At my job they are expanding and growing like crazy.  Their parent company is making billions every year in revenue.  A new department is ring built, and a couple new processing lines as well.  Everything has to expand to make up for it.

Except for the department I am in.  No, this department has the correct size it needs, and has potential to shrink in the future.  (By incorporating more efficient processes).

I feel like I am a good worker.  In the 22 months I’ve been working here I’ve never taken a day off.  No vacation, no sick time.  I worked out my hands so that I wouldn’t be at risk of degenerative illnesses, and found the most efficient way to perform tasks.  It can be a fun job, and I was able to see myself staying with the company for life. 

I am friendly with everyone, I make sure to keep emotionally balanced, I am aware of everything thy is going on without looking like I am so, so stale like it sounds in this writing.  It’s good to have safe fun at work, and I try to keep those around me entertained during the day.

The problem is that I am a contractor. I don’t get the same voice as “actual employees.”  They keep the same number of employees as well as contractors so they don’t hire on unless someone leaves.

The last time someone left was three months ago, and I was one of the seniority contractor along with another coworker.  They haven’t hired on this shift for per a year since that point, and we had seniority, and a year more experience compared to everyone else except one more person who we only had two months on.

My friend got it.  Fine.  Apparently since I’m younger by ten years it would look bad to give me the spot.  Something about it looks like he would be a better fit for the company than me.

Now another spot opened, and in all reality with the expansion I should expect to be hired on in the next six months, and with a three year contract  I’m not at risk of my contract running out anytime soon.  As for this spot they try to maintain a 50/50 ratio of males to females even though they hire a higher percentage of male contractors.  Probably a 75/25 ratio.  So with two girls leaving it was not a surprise I do not get the spot.

“So you’re willing to move for the next job?”- I moved for this one.

“You’re willing to drive in the mean time?”- I took this job when it was a 3hr drive from where I lived.  I had to stay in a motel during the week until I it a place.  An hour drive is nothing.

It’s not the money, the perks, benefits, or anything like that.  It’s that I don’t feel noticed, and that when I am my hard working self I appear different.  Too energetic.  They want everyone t work at the same speed even though it is manual labor.  I have to take breaks to read or write to go at the same speed as everyone else.  (There are small incentives to work slower).

The hardest part about leaving is leaving a place I’ve put two years of work into.  A place where if I shut off my objectives I could earn a competitive salary, and live comfortably.

But I found my dream job!  The job I went to school for mixed with the type of work I’ve grown to be fond of.  It’s a direct hire so I am no longer a contractor, and I’ll be on the floor in two weeks.  It’s surreal, as if it’s not actually happening, or something is going to come along to break it.  Guess that makes me paranoid- as if I don’t deserve it.

The sad part is that I applied to one job in the four months.  One.  And it offers me a position people spend three years working to get into at my current job.

It’s a laugh, but once you take my age out of the equation I am a competitor all of a sudden.

Could have graduated high school at 16.  Got my associates at 17, a second one at 18.  A bachelor at 20.  I started this job in June, two months before I could even go to a bar with my coworkers.

The Unexpected Costs of Cheaper Foods

I was shopping as I normally do at a store called Winco.  It is a large competitor for Walmart, and you don’t normally find them in the same area.

They are open 24/7 which is why I was there (at 2am after work). I have a fond spot for chicken strips, and I do pay a premium once in a while for a fancier brand.

Unfortunately, if you pay attention to how Winco restoks foods, you will find te frozen foods sitting outside of the freezers every night for an unknown amount of time.  I don’t see people actually opening and placing the frozen food into freezers, I only see them moving boxes around.  I also notice a lot of frost on the food.  I guess I was just in denial when I bought it anyway.

Now, feel free to argue that if you cook the food really well that you don’t need to worry about food poisoning.  You are wrong.  As many species of bacteria reproduce ten also produce toxins that when ingested will make you feel ill and throw up.  Thankfully your entire day isn’t ruined because once the toxin has passed through your system you can go on with you day.  So yes, after throwing up all morning I still went in to work feeling perfectly fine.

I went in again the next day and their fresher meat smelled like rotten fish.

You can buy the same brand foods at different stores and experience different levels of quality based on the store and how they treat their food.  You’ve been warned.

My battle with sugar, and how I cut it out of my diet!

I grew up eating a lot of sugar.  I drank a lot of milk, and a lot of soda.  There was even a period of time where I experimented with baking cookies where I would make a batch a day.  It only got worse when I turned 16 and started to travel around due to college.  I would eat pounds of candy at a time.  A dozen doughnuts.  I wouldn’t eat sugar for the taste but instead for the feel I would have in my stomach.  The sugar rush you could call it.  It would be painful, sure.  The sugar high would be accompanied with a sore stomach, and then after a while there would be the crash.

I was pretty bad at eating anyway so I didn’t notice any pains that were greater than normal.  I would eat a single meal a day, and there were times where I wouldn’t even eat that one meal.  I would crave sugar though.  When I was at the store looking at all the food in the isles my mout would water and I would need something sweet.  Like I said earlier: pound of candy, dozen doughnuts, something along those lines.

This was normal to me, and not something that I had done to myself because of my freedom.  It was the lifestyle that I been raised into.  I was used to ignoring the feeling associated with being hungry.  With growing up constantly ignoring them, feeling hungry would not make me want to eat.  In fact they would make it harder for me to eat.

A “slightly larger” mother who dieted and ate seperate meals designed to her combined with five children.  Meals were pushed off an hour at a time until there was only one large meal per day.  Even times were they was food in the fridge we were pressured to not eat because she was about to make us a meal.  My father has the same habit that I *used* to have.  He would come home and eat a meal after work, but does not eat much during the day. That is the present though, five to years ago he did the same, and I saw him do the same.  He would have boxes of snacks and sweets sitting around in his little cubicle.  Maybe he even does it to this day.

I would say that I didn’t really care about my eating habits until I had worked at my current job in Oregon for over a year.  They just didn’t matter.  I had more serious things to do with and I was healthy, alive.  It is the cravings that finally got to me, the loss of power that would happen after work and I would feel a disgusting pull to something sweet.  So one day I just went cold turkey.  The cravings stayed for about a month, and interestingly so did any ability I had to feel hungry.  In fact eating became gross, and every now and then I’d have to sit down and force myself to eat.  I didn’t quite realize how unhealthy this was until one day I noticed that I had not eaten for four days.  The longer I wouldn’t eat the harder it became to eat at all.

When I did eat I would feel bloated.  I wouldn’t have that smooth stomach that I wanted.  If eating half what you should and feeling fat for eating when you’re underweight aren’t signs of anorexia I don’t know what would qualify. (Developing anorexia, not being anorexic).

But I got a bit more pressure from life, and got an other sort of culture shock.  I began to eat small meals throughout the day, and built up the amount of food I could eat.  Then, a month ago, after having tried out rock climbing I joined two gyms.  Being able to tell myself that I don’t have to worry about adding on fat because I work out an hour a day has allowed me to eat as much as I want, and considering that I have cut out sweets and a large amount of snacks out of my diet the foods I eat consist of primarily vegetables, fruits, bread, and meat.

So now when people hear about what I eat they say that I’m one of the healthies people they know, but they don’t know.  I kind of feel bad for anyone who asks me for advice, and for people who might see the title and thing that it can help them out.  The only helpful advice I can give is quite simple.  Don’t look back, don’t give yourself days off.  It makes it all easier to not have it around, and to get in the habit of saying no always compared to only during specific times.  (The time difference between waking up and going cold turkey and joining the gym is approx. a year.)

Update 3/7/15

I joined two gyms: 24hr/fitness & a bouldering gym.  I replaced those with the hour/two I would spend each night playing video games.  It feels like a good switch, although video games are less exhausting.

I know I dream in actual pictures and colors.  I can recognize faces, ect.  The pictures still fade quickly after I wake, but progress is being made.  They’re slower considering that my lucid dreams have not been ending well.

A girl has actually put up with me for an entire month.  Or at least I think she has.  I have not realized how untrusting, and paranoid my personality can be.  Not to mention…. I’m pretty much waiting for everything to fall apart so life can go back to normal.  As normal as life can be without the escape of video games.

Every week something huge changes.  Something big is going to happen soon.

I’m eating & I have the entire day tomorrow planned to write some stories.  Guess we’ll see what happens.