Holding Back

I had agression problems as a young child, and I’d always get mad and throw a fit.  I learned quickly to hold back and control myself.

If you’ve read other posts, you’d understand how intense I was raised to hold back sexually.  No cursing, even if everyone else did.  Not talking back,  not sharing opinions, studying instead of playin video games.  There’s a culture of holding back.

I’ve had homocidal and pedophilic desires.  I can’t control them any more than wanting to eat ice cream, but I’m not at risk of doing either.  I could hide them, but I’d rather have those who feel the same get help instead of continuing in silence until they crack, and how can I expect others to do what I cannot do myself?  Lead by example.

Quitting your job to work for youself, what’s holding you back?

Approach the girl, what do you have to lose, what’s holding you back?

… I’m just use to holding back in this culture that teaches one thing and expects another.

I’m doing exponentially better than before, but I’m still easily burned. 


Shame On You For Having Kids

So I’m at the age where loads of people start to have kids for the first time (22).  Except that, for a moderate degree, having kids is almost irresponsible.  To be honest these people have careers rather than just jobs, or at least there are positions they can move up to rather than being held in the same one.  They also make good money, and can afford a child or two.

It might just be my generation, but I am surprised people are happy, and content in these positions, and are happy to stay in then for ten, twenty years without feeling the need to pursue more.  I am jealous that they are content, and with that I could be too.  But I’m not, and I see having a child as something that would hold one down, and keep them from feeling empowered.

When it comes to the actual kids themselves, I do believe it isn’t as big of a deal to be a single parent any longer (if that is the case, which being a young parent doesn’t mean it has to be).  They’re not living in poverty, the child will have food and a parent that loves them.  In all honesty they probably enjoy life.

I am; however biased, and try to not see them as having made a mistake, or judge them because of it.

I see the percentage of people who suffer, who have depression, who commit suicide or struggle just to live.  I look at the world and at everything that a child is going to have to face.  The hoops they will have to jump, the struggles they will have.

I know that my bias is one that these children will likely not have to face.  Still, my bias is not something that I can just make disappear, and that’s why I keep it to myself.

Your comment is awaiting moderation.

Thank you for making me question why I invested in writing a comment on your blog, and question whether or not you are going to “accept it.”  It is laughable if people don’t accept comments that don’t fit into their style.  Way to bias your page.

One to talk, I must point out that comments on my site used to have this, mostly because when I started the blog.  I think I was worried about bots, random trolls.  However, I’ve found that I have yet to have a comment that makes me think “oh I wish I had this option on.”

If someone takes the time to read my posts they are more than welcome to share their opinion, without getting the response “I want to determine if your comment is worthy of being on my site.”

I know I’m just being over the top.  If they don’t accept the comment it isn’t like I will ever likely even notice.  And for the most part I know that having this filter set is for a peace of mind, and that their desires is nothing as crude as what I immagine.


Sometimes someone believes something and you can just see in their eyes that they hold so strongly onto the belief that any argument will be thrown aside without being considered.

Someone had a death in the family at work and asked to take a few days off.  Even though I knew my boss would rather have him not take the days off than let me cover for him, I figured I would play my newness off and tell him that I would.  (I was in the process of getting a new boss who had said it was ok…)

When I went to the boss who was leaving to make sure they knew I was going to cover for him, she said she knew and went… “that’s only five work days in a row right?”  I’m not going to use any names, but there is no possible way to cover two days without having at least six 12 hour shifts in a row.

I told I’ve worked 16 hour shifts every day of the week for a month straight, and I just recently found out another worker has done something that’s actally illegal based on the number of hours worked before at another job.

We don’t do that here, she insisted.  She ended up asking someone who works dayshift to cover for him for the second day.  Day shift who works 6:30 am – 3pm.  And she asked her on two days notice to work a 7pm-7am shift.  That would have been miserable and she agreed to work from noon to midnight.  Meaning that she would rather have no one cover the shift than allow me to.

If I know what your response is going to be before I even ask.  If I know how much you hold onto your convinctions without even listening to my argument or taking consideration of it.  It turns you into a puzzle, someone to be worked around.  I won’t even bother to apologize, I lose interest in people who hold their opinions higher than others.

Fate, Precognation, or Blashemy

Pardon me as my pagan side inulges itself for a short while.  This isn’t quite precognition where I am telling you that I can tell you I can read cards and tell the future to you, or perhaps even tell you anything about anyone else’s future at all.  Those would be educated guesses, and perhaps something similar, but not quite what I mean.

More along the lines of a gut feeling, a gut feeling that is never wrong.  I don’t like using the word never because it tends to be begged to be proven wrong, but perhaps I want to test fate.

The only question that I can seem to ask this … spirit. is how I can achieve something that I want.  Something that I want to happen.  This spirit gives a suggestion – somewhat as an order.  Take it or leave it: follow these steps to achieve the goal or try your hand at something else with questionable results.

This type of thinking can bias results by an added booster of confidence, or a lack thereof in situations that the spirit says will not work.  Perhaps this could be taken as blashemy, a superstition that should not be given merrit.

The heart bleeds. Fate means settling for the girl that does not have to be won.

The mind bleeds. The game has been lost.

The spirit bleeds. Why is Father so cruel.

The body is cauterized. Obediance is rewarding.

If you are offered freedom by being presented with the path, would following the path chain you from being free?

How To Overcome Your Limited Supply Of Willpower

While scrolling through youtube I came accross this show where they were talking about willpower and how that relates to diet, and life.   // Fat Shaming & Thin Privilege (from Joe Rogan Experience #411 & #413).

The idea is that you have to make decisions constantly, and the more decisions you have to make the harder is it to make them.  When you have cravings for a food, or drug, ect, and you say no it takes effort, and it takes energy.  It’s easy to tell someone that they should just choose not to do something, but until you’ve felt that craving – the craving where you don’t care if it damages you, if it decreases your lifespan- you just need the craving to stop.  Until you’ve felt that craving you can’t say you understand what they’re going through.  People that get over their problems will forget about the experience as well (humans tend to forget about the worse things they’ve been through and instead remember the better things.)  Myself excluded but that’s another topic.

This willpower is not the same as making a decision.  It is making a decision that you would rather not have to make.  Making this decision in the chosen direction is painful whereas the other choice would not be as painful. (Instead regretted).

I bring this up because in a previous post I mentioned having held onto a desired personality trait for a maximum of two weeks or so.  In a way I thought of this because I could have continued the personality, but each time an event occured which weakened my stance and I had to make the choice of whether to continue or “give up.”

*Flake out the first date but still wants to try – ok, act like nothing’s happened but “waiting for it to fall apart.”

*Too busy to hang out on the weekend when I have four days off – little fishy, but I can trust and not get worried about it / Enters the state of expecting her to make the next major move

*She goes out on a date with someone else – Ok now I feel like a tool.  I could probably still chase her, perhaps win her over but my mind just drops and cuts her loose.

I know that, in writing all of this down, it is not anywhere near the same as the pain of trying to get healthy, but it is difficult to make the choice, and each choice is more difficult than the last until you “cave.”

I feel like this supply of willpower is only tapped into when it is out of your comfort zone, and I don’t feel as though the limited amount of explanation that I’ve covered stressed this point enough.  Any and all decisions in your comfort zone have a smaller requirement of willpower, per se, and also can easily be trained by your mind to be made with no effort continously.  Choices that you are not used to making, and are more difficult to make are the ones where it drains you in this sort where it comes accross as a “limited supply” rather than in a way where you can train your mind to make the decision easier.

*Each time you say no to bad food it gets easier to not eat the bad food – training your mind

*Eating better, working out, asking out girls you feel are out of your league, standing and giving lectures to a crowd, skydiving – each one is out of your comfort zone in its own way and working on one of them doesn’t make the other magically easier to master and deal with.

If you do have multiple things you want to work on do keep in mind that you can hold your mommentum when breaking your comfort zone.  As in if you make a list of the things and start doing them one after another you build mommentum where it is easier to do each task.  This is because your mental state is in a bit of shock and the comfort zone walls are weakened.  Do keep in mind that the shock will also keep the action from sticking.*  What I mean is that if you do all of them in a roll many of them won’t stick out and instead of working on, say giving lectures, you focused on breaking barriers instead of lecturing itself.  It won’t be the same as if you only gave a lecture and is dilluted by the other actions as well.  ! SO. ! Hold the mommentum for a while longer for it to stick so that the comfort zone doesn’t come back… ….

But once always makes the second time easier.

Oh my gosh just reading about willpower and food makes me think about how I used to have these terrible sugar cravings.  I don’t even eat candy anymore (basically at all) just because I’m half way scared the cravings would come back.

Ummmm, for those that have a craving that they’re trying to get over I’ll just give this advice and even put it into bold.

Don’t have a cheat day.  Don’t eat the food as a reward, don’t give yourself a weekend, just don’t.  Nothing is more painful than being clean for a month, and then letting yourself bing “just this once,” and finding yourself addicted again.  It’s not about seeing what you’re missing, ect/ect – you have the potential to kick back up your hormones, and you’ll have such a harder time saying “no,” and it’ll be so much harder, and it’ll so much more energy.  I’m not against having those days morality/judgement wise… Everyone is different, and cheat days are not something that work for me.

Why I Dislike “Just Look Busy”

I almost didn’t want to publish this.  It didn’t turn out quite like I had planned.  Maybe I’ll revise it… eventually.

So it’s a slow day at work and you are having a hard time finding things to do.  Or perhaps what you’re doing doesn’t take much effort but you don’t want people to form a misconception that you’re lazy.

But I dislike this idea.  Here’s Why:

  •  If someone needs help they won’t feel as though they are able to ask you as easily because you … look busy.!  You’re not as friendly to approach as someone who is genuine, free to help.
  • You aren’t showing that you are capable of taking on more work and more responsibility.  You have time to do more tasks, and more work, which is why you need to look like you’re keeping busy.

To me it’s strange that people just assume that because you don’t look busy that you’re lazy.  That you’re not doing more, or that because you’re “slacking” you could be doing a better job.  Although this is generally true, the only times I ever make the appearance that I could do more is when I am placed into a situation where my abilities are literally being limited.  Like if three people are assaigned to a job that can be completed by one, and I am not allowed to leave. … I have gotten much better at expressing that I can do more, as well as people trusting me, so this specific situation does not happen anymore.

So when you see someone who you think is being lazy I want you to think of these points before you slap the label on them:

  • Are there any additional tasks that they could do be doing.  Could they be doing something to increase efficiency that would be accomplished if they gave it more focus?
    • “You’re just lazy” doesn’t open up any discussion and only is a simple insult.  If you feel as though they aren’t pulling their share then give them the suggestion, “hey do this as well.”  Maybe you thought of something that needs to be done and they obviously have the time.  This indicates that you expect more from them.  If they act as though you’re imposing your work on them, and they don’t notice the imbalance of work – then call them lazy.

When I am working I like to keep a very friendly informal environment.  I’ll talk to people and try to keep a dialog.  Maybe ask them about their day or tease them.

For all those ignorant fools who get upset about the amount that I multi-task my notes while working.

  • How many times have you timed every minute of your day in order to determine the most efficient way to perform each task?
  • How often do you perform tasks slower just because you’re paid by the hour, and won’t make more anyway?
  • You can work as hard as you want, work smart or work hard.

I like to say that I can take any task and make it look easy/simple.  I might be counting seconds, making precise calculated movements, using years of experience or something like that.  And that’s why it looks easy, because I’ve done all that.