Appreciation

Sometimes it really matters that you get what you want.  But why does it matter?  I split it into a couple different reasons, and 100% in order to make me feel better about myself.

  • Because it’s time dependent.  If it goes badly, the event cannot be easily replaced.  It is centered on a physical time and place, and there’s no repeats, no second chances.
  • Because you’re tired of not getting what you want, and just want it to go your way just this once…
    • I’m torn on this one.

You can be there for someone when they don’t ask, when they don’t need it.  You can do something in a way for someone when they don’t need to it to go their way, and it won’t be appreciated because they would have been able to do it them self.  If they can’t do everything them-self, then they need you to be there for things they can’t do themselves, not for things that they can.

When you and the person you are with, especially your partner, both want the other to join in who is supposed to give in and surrender?  Who makes the sacrifice?

I invited you to be part of my life, and you needed me to sacrifice that so that you could feel as though you are important to me.

That shrug of yours.  As if you are saying, “I know that I just hurt you, but that’s your fault.  You made this happen.”

Yes, I am the keeper of your emotions, I control how you feel.

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It Makes Me Stronger When I Hurt You

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this girl.  During half of the day I like her, and the other half I don’t know.  I tend to make up excuses, probably because I’m afraid to admitt that I like someting.  It gives them power to hurt me.

I needed an introduction because she has been reading my blog posts.  Don’t date a blogger and think you won’t be blogged about.  Actually, I only keep personal information to myself and that makes basically everything fair game to … the world.  That probably places her in danger since she doesn’t even like facebook since it allows people to poke into her business.

With that aside, randommusingsandwanderlust.wordpress.com wrote a blog post that reminded me a bit about my past.

There was this girl I met in Community College who I started to gain interest in. She invited me to some church events of hers, and I excitedly showed my interest.  A few days went by, and I didn’t hear anything back from her.  Nothing was wrong at school, and I decided not to push it any further.

A week later and a mutual friend of ours asked me out.  I went out on a date because I didn’t know how to say no, and I somewhat got angry at her because I blamed her for what I took as her telling her friend to back off.  After the date I avoided her, took a later bus home (met her at the bus stop).  Apparently she had my phone number, I’m not really sure where she got it, but I didn’t quite care.  I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, and I after telling my mom I wasn’t going to answer the phone she stopped even telling me that this girl kept calling.  (Didn’t find out until after months after this next event – I just thought it was random coincidence.)

I sat down into my seat on the bus and she came onto the bus and sat down next to me.  My eyes glaze over.  She talked about this near life experience she had, and how this has pushed her to fight for everything that she wants.  About how she won’t let life just pass her by.  So why does this matter?  Because I like you.

I start to form a smile.  The rush of being strong enough to express myself made me… happy. “I don’t like you like that.  I’m not really interested in dating.”

“It’s ok, we can just be friends.”

“I’m not interested in being friends.”

This has happened more than just this one time.  Like when this girl tried to tell me how my advice wasn’t helping her.  I was giving her job hunting advice tips.  I don’t traditionally do the whole “oh that sucks” and then not give any input.  Although trying that with her resulted in a “that isn’t helping.”  Oh, well those are my words.

“Fuck you.”(Both texts are hers)

“Why do you think so little of me? Of course I’ve tried that, why the fuck does everyone keep trying to tell me what to do.”  And then something about belittling what she’s going through.

Probably shouldn’t be smiling when the girl you like just cursed you out. Confrontations give me a sick pleasure.  Not backing down means everything.