“I Would Do Anything For Her” – The Girl

The Girl, because the girl is second class to the guy, expected to accept the afterthought as making her an equal.

The girl who is handed the world, and gets the privilege of the equality that the men are willing to allow.  Regardless of the new found privilege she is allotted, she is treated as though she is being handed whatever she wants without having to work for it.  As soon as she gets anything she is treated as though it was handed to her, and that she did not work for it.

And now there’s that guy.  That guy that romantically complains that he is not good enough for her regardless of what he does.  He’s a nice guy, a nice sweet guy.  And she’s supposed to like him because he likes her, as though she doesn’t have rights.  He doesn’t give her what she wants, what she needs.  He is allowed to skip past girls that he doesn’t like, but as soon as she does the same she is treated like a slut.  A girl who doesn’t know what is good for her.

She gets to choose from the guy who wants to buy her, rescue her instead of work with her, tell her everything she wants to know before walking out on her the instant he gets bored.  Expect her to trust him even though he knows the men of the world.

It’s her fault that he can’t make her happy even if he tried, as though his desire made her his slave.

How can she be expected to give herself away to someone on their whim.  Someone who she fully expects to toss her away once he becomes bored of her.

Shame On You For Having Kids

So I’m at the age where loads of people start to have kids for the first time (22).  Except that, for a moderate degree, having kids is almost irresponsible.  To be honest these people have careers rather than just jobs, or at least there are positions they can move up to rather than being held in the same one.  They also make good money, and can afford a child or two.

It might just be my generation, but I am surprised people are happy, and content in these positions, and are happy to stay in then for ten, twenty years without feeling the need to pursue more.  I am jealous that they are content, and with that I could be too.  But I’m not, and I see having a child as something that would hold one down, and keep them from feeling empowered.

When it comes to the actual kids themselves, I do believe it isn’t as big of a deal to be a single parent any longer (if that is the case, which being a young parent doesn’t mean it has to be).  They’re not living in poverty, the child will have food and a parent that loves them.  In all honesty they probably enjoy life.

I am; however biased, and try to not see them as having made a mistake, or judge them because of it.

I see the percentage of people who suffer, who have depression, who commit suicide or struggle just to live.  I look at the world and at everything that a child is going to have to face.  The hoops they will have to jump, the struggles they will have.

I know that my bias is one that these children will likely not have to face.  Still, my bias is not something that I can just make disappear, and that’s why I keep it to myself.

Hot/Cold Relationships

Do I want her to be my girlfriend or do I want nothing to do with her?

Is she interested in me, or am I someone who is here to entertain her when she is bored?

Would she stay in the area for me? Would I stay in the area (and turn down a job) for her?

Could I, Do I want to spend the near future with her?  Do I think she is a waste of time?

Do I want to know her last name, Do I want to meet her family, her friends, where she works?

Or do I want the mystery?

Do I trust her?

No.

Do I stay with her for the times when she is my world?  Do I just use the idea of what I want her to be to add to my fake personality, my fake character.

I know what I wanted when we first started.  It’s still the same.  I have yet to let her in on the secret.

One Word Responses To Texts

There are three rather good explanations for having one word responses to texts, and I don’t use any of them myself, and here’s why.

  1. You can’t hold a conversation, and llegitimately don’t give much input over text.  Instead you are more of a talker (actual phone conversations), or not a phone person.  It’s not a bad thing, you emphasize having actual interaction in person.
    1. I find that all forms of communication are important, and that’s why I make sure to be able to converse in other forms.  Although I can struggle on the phone.  (Like a lot of those who missed the generation that actually spoke over the phone.)
  2. You are busy, but want to make sure that you give a response.  However, you don’t have time to do much more than read the text and say, “oh cool” before getting back to what you’re doing.
    1. Chances are you shouldn’t be texting in the first place.  I don’t mind it when people do this – it is a part of them, but this type of conversation can be confused with #3.- Uninterested.  I’ve found that it’s better to not answer the text until you have spare time.  A text is just a text, and if you’re busy you’re not obligated to respond immediately.
  3. You are not interested, but want the other person to know that you got their text.  Perhaps they are someone you do want to talk to occassionally, but you don’t want to talk to them right now.  Just ignoring them can be taken as worse then saying, “yeap I got your text.”
    1. Taken as not being interested in the conversation.  One single word text can be fine, three in a row indicates that you aren’t going to be … participating.

It really doesn’t matter what your reason is.  If you’re not interested in talking I’ll find something better to do.  If you don’t enjoy talking and would rather do something in person I expect that to be clear (and if you don’t have time to do something in person there’s no reason for us to be conversing.)  If you are busy and can’t text, then I’ll do the same as #3 and stop bugging you.

It Makes Me Stronger When I Hurt You

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this girl.  During half of the day I like her, and the other half I don’t know.  I tend to make up excuses, probably because I’m afraid to admitt that I like someting.  It gives them power to hurt me.

I needed an introduction because she has been reading my blog posts.  Don’t date a blogger and think you won’t be blogged about.  Actually, I only keep personal information to myself and that makes basically everything fair game to … the world.  That probably places her in danger since she doesn’t even like facebook since it allows people to poke into her business.

With that aside, randommusingsandwanderlust.wordpress.com wrote a blog post that reminded me a bit about my past.

There was this girl I met in Community College who I started to gain interest in. She invited me to some church events of hers, and I excitedly showed my interest.  A few days went by, and I didn’t hear anything back from her.  Nothing was wrong at school, and I decided not to push it any further.

A week later and a mutual friend of ours asked me out.  I went out on a date because I didn’t know how to say no, and I somewhat got angry at her because I blamed her for what I took as her telling her friend to back off.  After the date I avoided her, took a later bus home (met her at the bus stop).  Apparently she had my phone number, I’m not really sure where she got it, but I didn’t quite care.  I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, and I after telling my mom I wasn’t going to answer the phone she stopped even telling me that this girl kept calling.  (Didn’t find out until after months after this next event – I just thought it was random coincidence.)

I sat down into my seat on the bus and she came onto the bus and sat down next to me.  My eyes glaze over.  She talked about this near life experience she had, and how this has pushed her to fight for everything that she wants.  About how she won’t let life just pass her by.  So why does this matter?  Because I like you.

I start to form a smile.  The rush of being strong enough to express myself made me… happy. “I don’t like you like that.  I’m not really interested in dating.”

“It’s ok, we can just be friends.”

“I’m not interested in being friends.”

This has happened more than just this one time.  Like when this girl tried to tell me how my advice wasn’t helping her.  I was giving her job hunting advice tips.  I don’t traditionally do the whole “oh that sucks” and then not give any input.  Although trying that with her resulted in a “that isn’t helping.”  Oh, well those are my words.

“Fuck you.”(Both texts are hers)

“Why do you think so little of me? Of course I’ve tried that, why the fuck does everyone keep trying to tell me what to do.”  And then something about belittling what she’s going through.

Probably shouldn’t be smiling when the girl you like just cursed you out. Confrontations give me a sick pleasure.  Not backing down means everything.

“I’m Easy to Please” – The Loss of “The Chase”

I was guilty of this in the past and I knew it killed my desireability, but it didn’t hit home until I went on a few dates with someone who had this same personality.

By saying that you’re easy to please, you don’t have any dealbreakers, you can be easily enterained, you’re up for anything… I’m not saying it comes off as desperate, but instead as accepting and open.

However, you don’t have much of a personality.  Instead the focus is on making sure they don’t feel rejected even if it comes at the cost of being rejected yourself.

When you first start to get to know someone, especially if sexually or romantically attracted to them you become interested in their lives and what they enjoy, and all the little stuff.  Someone who has no specific interests can be seen as bland/boring.  Instead the focus of the relationship quickly is directed away from other activities to sex.  Not because either person is shallow, but because it is the only thing they have to offer.

Also, it forces the other person is expected to make all the moves, determine the speed of escalation, ect.  And for a guy this can be an issue since the guy is the one who is culturally responsible.  For a girl they’ve got more options in this field. Since this easy to please person appears to be going simply through the motions (you’re taking them to things you like to do), it can feel like they’re waiting for you to escalate to sex.

So in my situation the gut induced obvious move is to invite her back to my place. I don’t have an issue with sex.  I’d be all for renting a room in a hotel, flowers, candles.  I could make it fairly romantic.  For lack of knowing what she enjoys she has a great and entertaining personality.  My issue is with letting her into my space.  My safe spot that I walk into after pretending to be human for a long day and curl in a corner and wait for the pain to subside.  I don’t trust her enough yet.

I feel as though it would be a loss for us both if I just complained, said it was over, that I’m not ready for a relationship (probably aren’t).  It would also make me a fool if I left as some sort of way to do her a favor.  So what do I want?  I want to know what she enjoys, and if she doesn’t know yet that’s even better.  I told her “easy to please” just makes everything more of a challange.  What’s one more impossible challange?  I’ll take them all on.

Dream Journal #9 – Is it Real or Not?

I talked with this wonderful girl on Friday, and we had a short converstaion about lucid dreams.  She talked about being able to decide on the dream, change it while dreaming as she fit.  Ending the dream/ect.  Also, she spoke  of how when she dreamed it was the same as if she was awake, and sometimes would be unable to determine if it actually happened or not.  (Not every dream is lucid.)

Now I have this same problem, moreso now because I’ve been messing around with it.  So lately I’ve had some momments where I’ve thought… did that actually happen?

I’ve realized that I do dream like a normal person, which may be why it is developing so fast.  The problem that I have is holding onto it, and this makes me feel as though it is a memory problem.  It is something I’ve had to deal with in school.  As soon as I close my eyes I do not see any color, any shapes, or extra features such as hair.  I just focus so hard that I lose the details.

And so even though I may not dream with perfect-ness, the memories of the dreams themselves are at the same level as my other memories.

So my dream studies are helping my memory?  Success!

It just has to be noted that when pursueing an enlightenment in your dream state that you will encounter dreams that are so lifelike that they can be remembered as actual events.  It’s something that will occur, and needs to be taken into consideration as you decide whether to pursue this type of thing or not.  For me it’s worth it.