Friendships in a Relationship

It’s hard to make new friends in a relationship, or at least this one, or maybe it’s always hard to make new friends.

No one is good enough to be her friend, but at the same time she gets so lonely or bored that anyone who speaks to her is good enough to be her friend.

Then they complain or need help, and she forces the help onto them, they feel obliged to take the help.  Taking help can be dis-comfortable for some people, and for example: for me to take a present from you is me doing a favor to you.  It’s hard to get me a useful present because if I need or want it I want to be able to provide it for myself.

Then they get dis-comfortable, or she pushes them aside, or flakes, or blows up on them.  Friends are dispendisble to her.  They aren’t going to stay in her life anyway, so why bother to try to keep them.

Her life has been so bad that she deserves to be able to do whatever she wants.  If they want to be her friend they have to just accept it.  They’ve had such a good life that they need to make the effort for her.

She’s already tried to be friends with them in the past, but they don’t say hi to her.  Or when they say hi to her it’s only because they want something from her.

Talk about setting the situation up for failure.

But that’s her, what about me?

For some reason, the only people I can make a connection with are people that… to say that the only people I can make a connection with are people that I would want to sleep with would be an overstatement.  My idea of a perfect body image has… changed to my girlfriend’s body (minus the double chin and belly so I guess I’m still an ass).

But yeah, the girlfriend points out that everyone I try to be friends with is strangely on the more attractive side.

I feel more comfortable around more attractive people, why?:

  • People who think of themselves as unattractive can feel a sense of entitlement where the people they see as more attractive had a better roll of the dice.  As in they are willing to screw them over when the time comes, and not feel bad about it.
  • People with a higher self image are not as depressing.  They don’t constantly back talk themselves, and have a higher desire for pursuit, for improving themselves.  For getting involved.
  • That makes people with a higher body image more fun (potentially).
  • And then, yeah they’re fun to look at.

I don’t owe you anything because I’m younger than you.  My success was not free.

I don’t owe you anything because I weigh less than you.  My weight was worth the effort to me.  My weight was not free.

I don’t owe you anything because you think I’m more attractive than you.  You could fit my image of a perfect girl just like I fit your image of a your perfect boy.

I don’t owe you anything because I am a male.  There is female privilege just like there is male privilege.

I’m sorry for what you had to go through.  I’m sorry that I can’t make you understand me.

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Appreciation

Sometimes it really matters that you get what you want.  But why does it matter?  I split it into a couple different reasons, and 100% in order to make me feel better about myself.

  • Because it’s time dependent.  If it goes badly, the event cannot be easily replaced.  It is centered on a physical time and place, and there’s no repeats, no second chances.
  • Because you’re tired of not getting what you want, and just want it to go your way just this once…
    • I’m torn on this one.

You can be there for someone when they don’t ask, when they don’t need it.  You can do something in a way for someone when they don’t need to it to go their way, and it won’t be appreciated because they would have been able to do it them self.  If they can’t do everything them-self, then they need you to be there for things they can’t do themselves, not for things that they can.

When you and the person you are with, especially your partner, both want the other to join in who is supposed to give in and surrender?  Who makes the sacrifice?

I invited you to be part of my life, and you needed me to sacrifice that so that you could feel as though you are important to me.

That shrug of yours.  As if you are saying, “I know that I just hurt you, but that’s your fault.  You made this happen.”

Yes, I am the keeper of your emotions, I control how you feel.

“I Would Do Anything For Her” – The Girl

The Girl, because the girl is second class to the guy, expected to accept the afterthought as making her an equal.

The girl who is handed the world, and gets the privilege of the equality that the men are willing to allow.  Regardless of the new found privilege she is allotted, she is treated as though she is being handed whatever she wants without having to work for it.  As soon as she gets anything she is treated as though it was handed to her, and that she did not work for it.

And now there’s that guy.  That guy that romantically complains that he is not good enough for her regardless of what he does.  He’s a nice guy, a nice sweet guy.  And she’s supposed to like him because he likes her, as though she doesn’t have rights.  He doesn’t give her what she wants, what she needs.  He is allowed to skip past girls that he doesn’t like, but as soon as she does the same she is treated like a slut.  A girl who doesn’t know what is good for her.

She gets to choose from the guy who wants to buy her, rescue her instead of work with her, tell her everything she wants to know before walking out on her the instant he gets bored.  Expect her to trust him even though he knows the men of the world.

It’s her fault that he can’t make her happy even if he tried, as though his desire made her his slave.

How can she be expected to give herself away to someone on their whim.  Someone who she fully expects to toss her away once he becomes bored of her.

Shame On You For Having Kids

So I’m at the age where loads of people start to have kids for the first time (22).  Except that, for a moderate degree, having kids is almost irresponsible.  To be honest these people have careers rather than just jobs, or at least there are positions they can move up to rather than being held in the same one.  They also make good money, and can afford a child or two.

It might just be my generation, but I am surprised people are happy, and content in these positions, and are happy to stay in then for ten, twenty years without feeling the need to pursue more.  I am jealous that they are content, and with that I could be too.  But I’m not, and I see having a child as something that would hold one down, and keep them from feeling empowered.

When it comes to the actual kids themselves, I do believe it isn’t as big of a deal to be a single parent any longer (if that is the case, which being a young parent doesn’t mean it has to be).  They’re not living in poverty, the child will have food and a parent that loves them.  In all honesty they probably enjoy life.

I am; however biased, and try to not see them as having made a mistake, or judge them because of it.

I see the percentage of people who suffer, who have depression, who commit suicide or struggle just to live.  I look at the world and at everything that a child is going to have to face.  The hoops they will have to jump, the struggles they will have.

I know that my bias is one that these children will likely not have to face.  Still, my bias is not something that I can just make disappear, and that’s why I keep it to myself.

Hot/Cold Relationships

Do I want her to be my girlfriend or do I want nothing to do with her?

Is she interested in me, or am I someone who is here to entertain her when she is bored?

Would she stay in the area for me? Would I stay in the area (and turn down a job) for her?

Could I, Do I want to spend the near future with her?  Do I think she is a waste of time?

Do I want to know her last name, Do I want to meet her family, her friends, where she works?

Or do I want the mystery?

Do I trust her?

No.

Do I stay with her for the times when she is my world?  Do I just use the idea of what I want her to be to add to my fake personality, my fake character.

I know what I wanted when we first started.  It’s still the same.  I have yet to let her in on the secret.

One Word Responses To Texts

There are three rather good explanations for having one word responses to texts, and I don’t use any of them myself, and here’s why.

  1. You can’t hold a conversation, and llegitimately don’t give much input over text.  Instead you are more of a talker (actual phone conversations), or not a phone person.  It’s not a bad thing, you emphasize having actual interaction in person.
    1. I find that all forms of communication are important, and that’s why I make sure to be able to converse in other forms.  Although I can struggle on the phone.  (Like a lot of those who missed the generation that actually spoke over the phone.)
  2. You are busy, but want to make sure that you give a response.  However, you don’t have time to do much more than read the text and say, “oh cool” before getting back to what you’re doing.
    1. Chances are you shouldn’t be texting in the first place.  I don’t mind it when people do this – it is a part of them, but this type of conversation can be confused with #3.- Uninterested.  I’ve found that it’s better to not answer the text until you have spare time.  A text is just a text, and if you’re busy you’re not obligated to respond immediately.
  3. You are not interested, but want the other person to know that you got their text.  Perhaps they are someone you do want to talk to occassionally, but you don’t want to talk to them right now.  Just ignoring them can be taken as worse then saying, “yeap I got your text.”
    1. Taken as not being interested in the conversation.  One single word text can be fine, three in a row indicates that you aren’t going to be … participating.

It really doesn’t matter what your reason is.  If you’re not interested in talking I’ll find something better to do.  If you don’t enjoy talking and would rather do something in person I expect that to be clear (and if you don’t have time to do something in person there’s no reason for us to be conversing.)  If you are busy and can’t text, then I’ll do the same as #3 and stop bugging you.

It Makes Me Stronger When I Hurt You

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this girl.  During half of the day I like her, and the other half I don’t know.  I tend to make up excuses, probably because I’m afraid to admitt that I like someting.  It gives them power to hurt me.

I needed an introduction because she has been reading my blog posts.  Don’t date a blogger and think you won’t be blogged about.  Actually, I only keep personal information to myself and that makes basically everything fair game to … the world.  That probably places her in danger since she doesn’t even like facebook since it allows people to poke into her business.

With that aside, randommusingsandwanderlust.wordpress.com wrote a blog post that reminded me a bit about my past.

There was this girl I met in Community College who I started to gain interest in. She invited me to some church events of hers, and I excitedly showed my interest.  A few days went by, and I didn’t hear anything back from her.  Nothing was wrong at school, and I decided not to push it any further.

A week later and a mutual friend of ours asked me out.  I went out on a date because I didn’t know how to say no, and I somewhat got angry at her because I blamed her for what I took as her telling her friend to back off.  After the date I avoided her, took a later bus home (met her at the bus stop).  Apparently she had my phone number, I’m not really sure where she got it, but I didn’t quite care.  I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, and I after telling my mom I wasn’t going to answer the phone she stopped even telling me that this girl kept calling.  (Didn’t find out until after months after this next event – I just thought it was random coincidence.)

I sat down into my seat on the bus and she came onto the bus and sat down next to me.  My eyes glaze over.  She talked about this near life experience she had, and how this has pushed her to fight for everything that she wants.  About how she won’t let life just pass her by.  So why does this matter?  Because I like you.

I start to form a smile.  The rush of being strong enough to express myself made me… happy. “I don’t like you like that.  I’m not really interested in dating.”

“It’s ok, we can just be friends.”

“I’m not interested in being friends.”

This has happened more than just this one time.  Like when this girl tried to tell me how my advice wasn’t helping her.  I was giving her job hunting advice tips.  I don’t traditionally do the whole “oh that sucks” and then not give any input.  Although trying that with her resulted in a “that isn’t helping.”  Oh, well those are my words.

“Fuck you.”(Both texts are hers)

“Why do you think so little of me? Of course I’ve tried that, why the fuck does everyone keep trying to tell me what to do.”  And then something about belittling what she’s going through.

Probably shouldn’t be smiling when the girl you like just cursed you out. Confrontations give me a sick pleasure.  Not backing down means everything.