With all my thoughts focused on an ex I broke with about a year ago now, I should think a little about my more recent experience. The reason why the last six months of my life disappeared.
Let me begin by saying that I didn’t “try.” I gave it a chance, but in all honesty I didn’t make an effort to keep the relationship alive. I say that in a way that I was almost excited that it ended, not that I did anything wrong.
She was very… interesting… with so much promise. So much potential. She is a involved girl who jumped into situations, was the spotlight. We were going to get experience building cars and selling them. What excited me the most was the potential, the planning, the stories. She would never get angry and everything was perfect. Until it wasn’t. Three time drug felon, and I let myself believe that she wasnt addicted to it. That it was as easy me trying not to drink. I’m sure I knew, but I was tired, and wanted to trust her.
I feel used, but at the end of the day I don’t realistically mind unless it gets worse than it is… I was blind to how corrupt the world can be. She was an addict to the point of thinking her drug was life, all while I thought she had a relapse… that was one of the sad parts when she tried to tell me I knew what I was getting in- What happened is always worse than how I try to explain it. I’ve talked about it for hours and every new twist is … surreal.
Meth in Oregon is getting decriminilized. That means being high isnt illegal, and getting caught with it on you is a misdemeanor. Decriminalization means it isnt a priority for the cops. The jails are full and her FTA (failure to appear in court) was not enforced, she is not reporting to her mandatory treatments and not reporting to her PO.
But that’s not the point, I liked the freedom. I can do commitment, but I don’t think I can handle monagomy because what I’m afraid of most is deceit and lies from someone I trust and if I’m honest its not because they’re hurting me but because I’m jealous of what they get to do. Jealous of what they’re doing.
If you noticed the change of direction, yes I did that. I honestly dont personally feel like the drugs were a factor in not staying with her. It was all of the guys… hanging around a girl… who doesnt pay for her drugs… Plus the lack of any desire to quit? We basically got together in order for me to save her, and build something with her (notice a bad theme yet of trying to save someone in order to gain manipulative control over them because if you save someone they owe you). Talk about inferiority issues to only feel safe with someone if they’re less than you so that you’re not afraid to lose them. So that they can’t hurt you.
I should save those I date the heartbreak and not try to offer monagomy. Especially now that I’m finding peace and wanting my own space. So I guess my goal is to now get myself a place of my own… again (moved out of MY OWN HOUSE THAT I OWN to be safe away from her- it was that bad). And once I have this place my only real goal is to not offer to let someone live with my out of guilt or “to help them.” It would be nice if it was as simple as helping another human being get their life together, but it only worked out one time out of five times. The other four times I was burned. So badly burned. And the funny part is the actual drug dealer was the only one who just left. (No, I’m not smart enough to screen out sob stories…)
Wait!Wait! I went from manipulation to an excuse to not be in a committment with someone else? That’s a bad form of enablement. I’m a romantic, it breaks my soul to not provide to … the first… as she needs someone… and it takes my conviction to not take us through the circle once again. I need someone who I can share my mind to, and I shouldn’t commit to someone who I feel doesn’t understand me. Because I know I shut down and that’s when the mind games begin.