Holding Back

I had agression problems as a young child, and I’d always get mad and throw a fit.  I learned quickly to hold back and control myself.

If you’ve read other posts, you’d understand how intense I was raised to hold back sexually.  No cursing, even if everyone else did.  Not talking back,  not sharing opinions, studying instead of playin video games.  There’s a culture of holding back.

I’ve had homocidal and pedophilic desires.  I can’t control them any more than wanting to eat ice cream, but I’m not at risk of doing either.  I could hide them, but I’d rather have those who feel the same get help instead of continuing in silence until they crack, and how can I expect others to do what I cannot do myself?  Lead by example.

Quitting your job to work for youself, what’s holding you back?

Approach the girl, what do you have to lose, what’s holding you back?

… I’m just use to holding back in this culture that teaches one thing and expects another.

I’m doing exponentially better than before, but I’m still easily burned. 


“I Would Do Anything For Her” – The Girl

The Girl, because the girl is second class to the guy, expected to accept the afterthought as making her an equal.

The girl who is handed the world, and gets the privilege of the equality that the men are willing to allow.  Regardless of the new found privilege she is allotted, she is treated as though she is being handed whatever she wants without having to work for it.  As soon as she gets anything she is treated as though it was handed to her, and that she did not work for it.

And now there’s that guy.  That guy that romantically complains that he is not good enough for her regardless of what he does.  He’s a nice guy, a nice sweet guy.  And she’s supposed to like him because he likes her, as though she doesn’t have rights.  He doesn’t give her what she wants, what she needs.  He is allowed to skip past girls that he doesn’t like, but as soon as she does the same she is treated like a slut.  A girl who doesn’t know what is good for her.

She gets to choose from the guy who wants to buy her, rescue her instead of work with her, tell her everything she wants to know before walking out on her the instant he gets bored.  Expect her to trust him even though he knows the men of the world.

It’s her fault that he can’t make her happy even if he tried, as though his desire made her his slave.

How can she be expected to give herself away to someone on their whim.  Someone who she fully expects to toss her away once he becomes bored of her.

“I Would Do Anything For Her”

Take a look at Peeta from The Hunger Games.  Has he become the norm of what boys have to face nowadays?

Boys are taught to watch from afar, and have a rescue instinct that makes it so that they cannot make a move unless the girl needs help, needs to be rescued.  But they dote on a specific version of a girl – one who is a fighter, one who doesn’t want to be rescued.

Girls have been treated as second class citizens for hundreds, thousands, if not millions or billions of years.  But if they are not prepared for their new generation of freedom, they have the option to surrender to a man of their choice.  They can even become a “Sugar Baby,” and get paid “for their hotness.”

The problem is not the impossibility of going back to the older ways.  It is possible for a male to walk up to a female and ask her to give herself to him.  The confidence, the masculinity of it would make him attractive.

The issue is that the boy has a strong mother, one who feminizes her son.  She is the strong woman and demands that her son follow exactly what she says, and the father goes along because she is intimidating. The son sees a strong woman who takes charge, and pushes the boys in line.

So the boy cannot take demand masculinity due to his inability to ensue insubordination, but he can only find desire for a girl who is powerful, in charge, and above him.  She would not be his equal, she would own him.

There are girls who are willing to be the girl for this guy, but not the girl that he dotes on.

Update 3/7/15

I joined two gyms: 24hr/fitness & a bouldering gym.  I replaced those with the hour/two I would spend each night playing video games.  It feels like a good switch, although video games are less exhausting.

I know I dream in actual pictures and colors.  I can recognize faces, ect.  The pictures still fade quickly after I wake, but progress is being made.  They’re slower considering that my lucid dreams have not been ending well.

A girl has actually put up with me for an entire month.  Or at least I think she has.  I have not realized how untrusting, and paranoid my personality can be.  Not to mention…. I’m pretty much waiting for everything to fall apart so life can go back to normal.  As normal as life can be without the escape of video games.

Every week something huge changes.  Something big is going to happen soon.

I’m eating & I have the entire day tomorrow planned to write some stories.  Guess we’ll see what happens.

Reign: The Most Feminist TV Show Out There

There’s a difference between a feminist TV show, a TV show/movie that encourporates these aspects.  And then there’s Reign.  A show broadcasted with CWTV, a drama show from a company that has a large audience with people who watch scyfy dramas.  Obviuosly, I don’t watch every show and compare them, but out of every show I’ve ever seen Reign is the most inspiring.

The show may only be starting to bring up and show the problems involved with women during this time.  I’m seeing their strength, and I hope it continues as I expect it will.


Mary & Francis : Francis cheats on Mary “while they’re apart,” and he has a baby with another girl.  Francis does terrible things and pushes Mary away.  Perhaps with due reason, but in reality it is because he does not trust her.  Mary in the end is hurt, and no longer trusts or loves Francis.  Francis decides that she may no longer do as she wishes, and Mary’s mother insists that she needs to have a child with Francis as soon as possible in order to maintain her throne.  In response Mary decides that she will not allow other people to control her life, and she will do as she pleases.  With a strategic plan of her own rather than just tossing everything aside. Very impowering.

Greer & Aloysius Castleroy : Castleroy accidentally funds an assasination attempt, they remain quiet and are banished from the castle.  There’s no sign of Castleroy in the show, but we may see Greer becomming a pimp.  Going to have to see what happens.

Kenna, Antoine, & Sebastian : Sebastion has a duty to the kind and the country where he goes around saving people.  Yay for the people, but he keeps on leaving Kenna alone, and expecting her to wait for him.  Kenna has just been given an opportunity to leave Sebastian to become a Queen.  I do hope, regardless of whether Antoine is doing this purposefully or not, that Kenna leaves Sebastian.  Sit around and wait for me, do nothing while I’m gone, my priorities should be yours.  As long as Kenna doesn’t ask forgiveness from Sebastian when Antoine’s plan unfolds.  I’ll be happy.

Lola.  The only one who has had a child with the king.  Who is expected to sit around as the prince’s mother and do nothing else.  Who has Narcisse there waiting to give her strength.  She should take it.  I really do like Narcisse, although his morals could do with a little touching up when it comes to religious tolerance.

Claude.  I’ll do as I please, you’re not allowed to get rid of me for being alive like some unwanted vegetable.  This may make her appear like a brat, but she’s immediately forgiven by me for anything considering that not a single soul deserves her affection.  If they did they could earn it.  (Poor Kenna though, she was the closest one to being able to form a bond, but theirs would be the hardest to make concerning the circumstances..)

Growing Up Without Parents

Why just disregard the parent /child system?  Surely it is not broken in iteslf, and family is a bond that can’t compare to anything else.

*Parenting is a joy in itself.  Why refute a person’s right to have a child of their own?

If you don’t grow up being taught tht your life isn’t fullfillned until you reproduce then chances are you won’t feel the need to.  For those who need to nurture something that is theirs: Get a pet.  The people who have the stronger urges, and feel the need to have children should be the ones who work with them.  In this situation they can chose to take on the responsibility that can handle, and it will be considered more of a proffession than something that keeps them from attaining their proffession.

*The love and joy of a parent cannot be replaced.  Surely  the system that replaces it would be cold, and would not have the same amount of love and nurturing.

Parenting comes at the cost of the child.  The child is expected to live with inexperienced people during their most impretionable years.  And if the parent is experienced then they will likely have to fight to attain affection.  If they don’t have the fighting personality then they will likely not have open communication and trust with their parents.=The soluation is not communal children, but rather a more advanced school system that is built to teach them what they need to know while in an environment that teaches them how to interact in the society.

~The main problem that we face as a culture is that children in similar situations will either feel rejected as if their parents don’t want them, and that they don’t belong.  They aren’t the same as other kids because other kids have parents.  If all kids are raised the same then it’s not that they don’t know better – but that they aren’t raised believing that the other kids have something that they should want more than anything else.

Is Your Comfort Zone Holding You Back?

Some say that the biggest problem our generation faces is the dangers of falling into the comfort zone.  Simple, easy job tha doesn’t pay well, but pays enough.  Internet, TV, video games, enough entertainment to keep you entertained.  It’s not that there is less of a push to do more, achieve more – I think people are just less bored, and are pushed to succeed less as a generation.  Just surviving is accepted as an achievement, and if you’re just surviving you’re successful opposed to in the past generations where to succeed you had to have a high paying job.

*In a more personal note, a personal comfort zone is something that holds you down, and holds you away from what you’re capable of achieving.  A comfort zone can be extremely painful, and may include abusive boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, and other people.  You accept the situation similar, but not, to that of a stockholm’s syndrome.  You know how to deal with the pain, and even though it’s painful it’s familiar.  The familiarity is comfortable.  You hold onto the familiarity, you hold onto the comfort, and you’re afraid to change.  The unknown is what scares you to death, and keeps you holding onto your comfort zone.

When I moved to college I couldn’t leave my room for the first few days.  I was scared to death, I was hundreds of miles away from everything that I knew, my funding was reduced a week before college started, and I was all on my own.

Don’t get me wrong- my latest job was a step up. If I could stay for years, decades, then I might stay around while I keep myself entertained, and happy enough.  Even if the job was dull, boring, uninteresting, had zero chance of advancement, or challenge it would be comfortable. I would know I wanted more for myself, and might even work on doing that over time, but it would be comfortable to know I didn’t have to.  If the job was there to rely on, even if it’s full of drama and people you dislike, it gives a reason to place aside your aspirations and relax.  You’re constantly congradulated on surviving.  Just being able to hold any job is a big deal, and you’re not an overachiever so there’s no need to overachieve.  What you have is enough.