Holding Back

I had agression problems as a young child, and I’d always get mad and throw a fit.  I learned quickly to hold back and control myself.

If you’ve read other posts, you’d understand how intense I was raised to hold back sexually.  No cursing, even if everyone else did.  Not talking back,  not sharing opinions, studying instead of playin video games.  There’s a culture of holding back.

I’ve had homocidal and pedophilic desires.  I can’t control them any more than wanting to eat ice cream, but I’m not at risk of doing either.  I could hide them, but I’d rather have those who feel the same get help instead of continuing in silence until they crack, and how can I expect others to do what I cannot do myself?  Lead by example.

Quitting your job to work for youself, what’s holding you back?

Approach the girl, what do you have to lose, what’s holding you back?

… I’m just use to holding back in this culture that teaches one thing and expects another.

I’m doing exponentially better than before, but I’m still easily burned. 

Dream Journal #10 Mind Imagery and Pain in a Dream

So I decided to take a nap, and a nap I took.  I found that after waking up from my dream that I was alto picture color and images.  I wouldn’t say I was fully awake, maybe half awake.  I had woken up, but had not opened my eyes yet.  I can’t really copy it but my picture memory is getting stronger by the day.

While focusing on these images and taking quick looks around the room and holding the picture I took a mental tour around my room.  After copying images and even creating movies in my mind… I fell asleep.

I sort of rolled over into a dream.  I still had the images and choice of what happened. aka = I rolled over into a lucid dream.  A lucid dream that dragged on (success?).  Perhaps, the smile on my face isn’t the best because I am a little worried.

I became curious at the end of my lucid state and decided to kill myself.  Something I’ve never done in a dream before.  My vision and dream cut into a sort of static, and my body felt like the blood was rushing into it after having fallen asleep.  It kind of hurt.  I guess people call is sleep paralysis, when they “wake up,” but are unable to move for a short period of time.?

But I wasn’t awake because the next thing that happened was that I was bad in my room alseep in my dream, and unable to wake up, in my dream.  There was music playing as if I had fallen asleep listening to it.  Which is weird, since when I listen to music this late at night I put headphones in.  But there was music playing, and I was waking up the neighbors.  And I couldn’t move.