Changing For a Relationship

I will never again believe someone if they say that they will change for me.  I will never give someone that chance.  I told her that I didn’t think she wanted to be who I wanted her to be.

Which makes me the ass.  But I don’t care if its my fault.  At the end of the day fault doesn’t matter.  Everyone loses.

“If the person didn’t want to be fat, then they wouldn’t be.  They would change for themselves, they wouldn’t need to change for you.  The effort, the pain involved in changing the lifestyle.  All of that is pain you cause them, they are not doing it for themselves.”

Seriously?  I don’t understand.  Well I guess I do.  Pain is your identity.  Discomfort is who you are.  If you lost that, you would lose your identity, you would be something different.  If you grew up disliking a type of person, then you wouldn’t want to change and be one.

It’s the stupid middle class syndrome.  Change is dis-comfortable, and discomfort contains more pain than the alternative.

I’d be the same way too if I didn’t have a different kind of pain.  I need a reason to live, and I’m looking for that reason.  I have to continue to change to try to get rid of that pain, that lack of reason.

When the other person express discomfort for an avoidable reason, it isn’t hard to understand, but it can be hard to accept.  When it’s just someone, you can brush it off, but when it’s someone you care about it hurts to watch their pain.  It is painful to see them in pain, and then they expect you to … just accept it.  But when helping them means sacrifice, and you see it as an avoidable sacrifice that didn’t have to happen?  Don’t help me then they say.

You don’t care enough about me to help me they say.


Holding Back

I had agression problems as a young child, and I’d always get mad and throw a fit.  I learned quickly to hold back and control myself.

If you’ve read other posts, you’d understand how intense I was raised to hold back sexually.  No cursing, even if everyone else did.  Not talking back,  not sharing opinions, studying instead of playin video games.  There’s a culture of holding back.

I’ve had homocidal and pedophilic desires.  I can’t control them any more than wanting to eat ice cream, but I’m not at risk of doing either.  I could hide them, but I’d rather have those who feel the same get help instead of continuing in silence until they crack, and how can I expect others to do what I cannot do myself?  Lead by example.

Quitting your job to work for youself, what’s holding you back?

Approach the girl, what do you have to lose, what’s holding you back?

… I’m just use to holding back in this culture that teaches one thing and expects another.

I’m doing exponentially better than before, but I’m still easily burned. 

Dream Journal #10 Mind Imagery and Pain in a Dream

So I decided to take a nap, and a nap I took.  I found that after waking up from my dream that I was alto picture color and images.  I wouldn’t say I was fully awake, maybe half awake.  I had woken up, but had not opened my eyes yet.  I can’t really copy it but my picture memory is getting stronger by the day.

While focusing on these images and taking quick looks around the room and holding the picture I took a mental tour around my room.  After copying images and even creating movies in my mind… I fell asleep.

I sort of rolled over into a dream.  I still had the images and choice of what happened. aka = I rolled over into a lucid dream.  A lucid dream that dragged on (success?).  Perhaps, the smile on my face isn’t the best because I am a little worried.

I became curious at the end of my lucid state and decided to kill myself.  Something I’ve never done in a dream before.  My vision and dream cut into a sort of static, and my body felt like the blood was rushing into it after having fallen asleep.  It kind of hurt.  I guess people call is sleep paralysis, when they “wake up,” but are unable to move for a short period of time.?

But I wasn’t awake because the next thing that happened was that I was bad in my room alseep in my dream, and unable to wake up, in my dream.  There was music playing as if I had fallen asleep listening to it.  Which is weird, since when I listen to music this late at night I put headphones in.  But there was music playing, and I was waking up the neighbors.  And I couldn’t move.